To say I am exhausted in an understatement.  I was exhausted when I got off the plane.  The state I am in now can probably only be described as hyperfatigue-induced zombism.  The fact that I am sitting here now, trying to crank out homework assignments is proof that I have completely lost my mind.  The only thing really keeping me going right now is my fourth cup of coffee and the fact that the rest of the household is asleep.  Sleep…

I knew what my sister would look like in recovery, after her operation.  I knew that she would be out of it, I knew she would be uncomfortable, I knew she would be confused. 

I didn’t know that she would have trouble breathing, I didn’t know that the drains coming from her body would be so big, and that there wouldn’t be anything I could really do to make her feel better.  

Standing in post op next to her “bed on wheels”, I took her hand and stroked her forehead as I tried not to cry.  Key word: tried.  I tried to help her breathe. “Take short, slow breaths” I said to her as we inhaled and exhaled together.  I thought, if she can’t take a deep breath, maybe short breaths would help her get some oxygen.  There’s nothing more panick inducing than not being able to breathe.  An instinct nature instilled in us, and for good reason.  Seeing her there, so pitiful and in pain, I felt a strong sense of my world crumbling around me.  

I began to feel dizzy, nauseous.  And then I got hot.  Really hot.  Suddenly the walls of the room were caving in on me.  I knew I was going down if I didn’t do something.  I saw a chair and headed straight for it. The nurse asked me if I was OK.  I said yes.  My mother asked me if I was ok.  I said yes.  The head nurse said “it costs money to pick you up off the floor”.  I put my head in-between my legs and just let the tears fall. 

How could I have lost it like that, with my beloved sister the way she was?  Why did I have to fall apart?  I guess the feeling is similar to the way new fathers are when their wives are in labor.  You just can’t take seeing someone you love going through something so awful, and you can’t do anything to stop it. 

I wanted to trade places with her.  I wanted to be the one in that hospital bed, the one with a changing body, the one with the broken heart.  I would have given anything to have to hear my own the bad news, instead of being the one that had to say it.  But I wasn’t.  

It’s not over yet.  This is just the beginning.  More surgeries, more pain, more drugs, more hospitals.  But there’s one thing we’ve got that the enemy doesn’t.  Each other.  And so help me god, I will be there through EVERY step of the way.  Even if it means I have to literally pick myself up off the floor to keep on going. 

I love to hike.  Exploring new places with my dogs is one of the highlights of living and the time in my life where I am the most happy.  Each smell, sound, sight that provides new excitement and they experience pure joy exploring everything.  

Today, I am with my family, preparing for my sister’s double mastectomy on Monday.  It’s strange being back here so quickly after the holidays.  Normally, I visit only once a year.  This year is different. 

Through her shirt, you can see the growing tumor.  Her body is lopsided and we are all hiding the fear about events to come.  That’s what courage is- being able to keep going, even though you are afraid. 

So we hike.  Mother has a place she frequents by the river and we pack up her Boarder Collie mix and press on.  There is wildlife everywhere, from birds to turtles to the occasional small animal wrestling in the bushes.  A far cry from the hustle and bustle of LA.  It is quiet here.  The kind of quiet that takes time to get used to, but that somehow puts you at ease.  In the quiet is suspense, the unknown.  

Barnabas, my mother’s dog, is named for the son of encouragement in a biblical story.  I think its a fitting name for any dog.  “Barney” bounds through the thicket exploring everything new and checking out everything familiar to him.  He consistently stops to look over his shoulder, the look in his eye saying “come on guys! There’s more stuff to explore”.  He is an encouragement.  We press on. 

I guess that is what life is about.  I used to walk through everyday holding my breath and wondering “when is the next shoe going to drop”,  always afraid when the phone rings, always expecting bad news.  But it isn’t just my life, forever getting bad news.  It’s everyone’s life.  And if we can have the courage to explore life the way Barnabas does, encouraged, the new experiences can transform from fear to excitement.  

Did you know that next to water and tea, beer is one of the oldest beverage in human history?  The ancient Egyptians built models of themselves brewing beer, which they believe would be with them in the afterlife. I think the Egyptians were really on to something with that idea, because in my version of the afterlife, both heaven and hell… there’s beer!  Archeologists speculate that beer was instrumental in developing civilizations.  Beer has been bringing people together since we started harvesting crops 30,000 years ago.  Explorers in the 1400s went searching for spices for their food and booze.  That’s power! 

Each culture has different customs with their alcohol- Russians developed Vodka, Hispanics developed Tequila, and the Irish developed Whisky.  Each different culture has different social norms surrounded around drinking.  The Russians believe that when you open a bottle of Vodka, you finish it in a sitting.  Tequilas can have insects in their bottles to enhance flavors.  Here are some interesting cultural statistics, borrowed from www.sirc.org:

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  •  All societies, without exception, make use of intoxicating substances, alcohol being by far the most common.
  •  The persistence of alcohol use, on a near-universal scale, throughout human evolution, suggests that drinking must have had some significant adaptive benefits, although this does not imply that the practice is invariably beneficial.
  •  From the earliest recorded use of alcohol, drinking has been a social activity, and both consumption and behavior have been subject to self-imposed social controls.
  • There is enormous cross-cultural variation in the way people behave when they drink. In some societies (such as the UK, Scandinavia, US and Australia), alcohol is associated with violent and anti-social behavior, while in others (such as Mediterranean and some South American cultures) drinking behavior is largely peaceful and harmonious.
  • This variation cannot be attributed to different levels of consumption or genetic differences, but is clearly related to different cultural beliefs about alcohol, expectancies regarding the effects of alcohol and social norms regarding drunken comportment.
  • The findings of both cross-cultural research and controlled experiments indicate that the effects of alcohol on behavior are primarily determined by social and cultural factors, rather than the chemical actions of ethanol.
  • In all cultures, drinking is a rule-governed activity, hedged about with self-imposed norms and regulations concerning who may drink how much of what, when, how, in what contexts, with what effects, etc. - rules which are often the focus of strong emotions.
  • Although variations in these rules and norms reflect the characteristic values, attitudes and beliefs of different cultures, there are significant cross-cultural similarities or ‘constants’ in the unwritten rules governing alcohol use.
  • Analysis of cross-cultural research reveals four near-universal ‘constants’:
  •    1. Proscription of solitary drinking
  •    2.Prescription of sociability
  •    3. Social control of consumption and behavior
  •    4. Restrictions on female and ‘underage’ drinking.

These historical and geographical stats were fascinating to me.   I never stopped to think about how the global community drinks, what they drink, and that when we adopt their beverages in some ways we also adopt their behaviors.  Even every country has a different drinking age!  It’s really quite amazing how consuming alcoholic beverages, from wine, beer, whisky, rum, tequila, gin, vodka, and even sake, has an effect on us.  

Cheers!